Once again it is the late hours when all is quiet and the mind can hear itself think.....How long can you keep it busy, distracted before the Heart calls out to be released from it's prison....
The walls that we put around it to keep from feeling...
What is it about Feeling we fear?
Tonight It was impossible to escape the little girls voice in the basement..sitting in the chair all alone while everyone left her...night became morning and still she sat waiting for some one to call her name, or knock three times so she could come upstairs and find comfort in her bed...but it never comes..
Only this time she was grown, sitting in her home that had become her basement. Alone waiting for someone to come and Love her..knock three times so she could come into someones arms and find comfort...but no one was there...
Is comfort nowhere to be found? Is she so invisible that no one sees she has a need to be loved, to have a safe place to lay her heart...to be touched, to be important enough....
The night is not her friend, she tries to sleep but this time it doesn't come to take her away from her feelings...On this particular night she can't keep her mind entertained...
She looks around and the loneliness sets in and she knows that it's time, she must face the one thing that is sitting in the basement of her soul....alone, confused, too afraid to move off the chair and let herself come up to the light...She's so little, so fragile, so angry, so hurt....
she makes herself known only in the late hours of the night when all is quiet and the mind can hear itself...you can feel her moving around in her chair, squirming as though she is tied to it...You feel her pain, her cries in the dark....She sees no way out...
The pain begins to move ever so slowly to the stomache...you talk to her, you cry with her, you feel her pain...It's a pain that has wrapped itself around her until she cannot break free...She is calling, she is moving, you feel her now in your chest....You try to ignore it...but the feeling only gets stronger, you rub your hands on your legs as you try sitting.... you can feel your mind tightening as the pain continues to stir inside of you...again you hear her faint cries...How can I save her you ask...How can I relieve her of the pain she is so used to...
She doesn't know that it is strangling you, choking you, making your stomach hurt so bad you feel like throwing up..You cry along with her...It hurts so bad.. This pain is not a stranger to you.. You've been here before.. Panic sets in, You pace around in circles, your mind is racing out of control...how can you stop this.. the more you try the more powerful it becomes...
Go to the bed, hide under the covers. it has always worked before..What is different about this night...Why won't it go away..You need help, you look around and there is no help..
The night is quiet and the sounds inside of you echo so loud. You cry out in anguish...you try to remember what you were told to do when this kind of pain surfaces...She's trying to get out.. you know this, how can you help her..She is the little you..but she is becoming so strong and she shatters the silence of the night hours...
It's no use, you feel like she is moving into your throat...Sobs, anguish, the crying won't stop...remember what did you learn that can set you free...You know now, you must stay in the feeling no matter how much it hurts.. you let it take over, and take over it does...you feel like you can't do it any more...you can't sit alone anymore, but there is no relief any where..your mind feels like everything inside of you is going to burst open and everything will just end...the pain, your head, your heart, your stomache the ache is too powerful...your sobs are uncontrollable....
Then it happens, you reach that place where there is nothing left inside of you to fight this battle even one more time...'Can you find that last little will to go on?' you give up...you can't do it...you are ready for the end..that little girl inside doesn't want to feel the pain anymore, you don't want to feel the pain anymore, it's the end..You've had enough....
You've reached that place where so many souls just feel there is no way out except through death...It's the only place left to go..You surrender...it's OK, you know you can leave and it will be OK...everything gets still as the decision is being pondered...the hows and the whys no longer matter...the pain no longer matters.. you just quit struggling, you quit trying...
In that moment is when you face the very thing that will either bring you death or bring you life....
All struggle is gone..all strength is gone...do you even have enough to make the decision?..All is still and even you don't know if you can go on or what you will choose...Then in that state of mind you step into the fire..you go into the basement and you get that little girl and you bring her out of the fire with you...as you comfort her, you feel alive..you feel a softness, it's the Heart that is freed at last...your cries are softer now until they fade away...
Now the late hours become morning and you watch as the Sun peeks over the hill...It's a new day, a new you, free of the pain that was living inside of you, talking for you, thinking for you, but now there is nothing but gratefulness and freedom to fly, freedom to play...You've faced the darkest Night of Your Soul and Life won...
